Cannonball eh?
I wish I could take credit for this brilliant idea. When I was 8, I knew a kid who hatched an ingenious scheme. Farting was still embarrassing, unless you were the gross kid that didn't shower, overtly ate his boogers--seriously, everyone ate their boogers at least once--and generally sought attention by outrage since they weren't good at much else. The scheme was this: fart right when you jumped in the pool. The logic was flawless. If you're wading in the pool and a couple of stray bubbles rose out of the nothingness of chlorine infested water, it was clear you had just farted. Nobody wanted the embarrassment that accompanied the dreaded pool fart. When you jump in the pool, all sorts of bubbles materialized and the perfect time to fart presented itself.
It's Memorial Day Weekend, the unofficial start of summer. Kids are out of school and neighborhood pools across suburbia will open up today. Lifeguards have been trained-- sort of--sunscreen purchased and tanning beds abandoned as the D-Day for Homeowner's Associations has finally arrived. I remember how important this day was because I remember being out of school meant spending all day at the pool. There were several rites of passage that each coming pool season represented.
At the age of 5, you're ready for the deep end. 6 full feet of water to immerse yourself in meant a safe haven from babies in their floaties. It also meant a great barrier existed between you and the urine soaked waters of the shallow end. Finally, you didn't have to swim amongst that festering disease. Secretly, you still peed in the pool. Don't feel too bad, Michael Phelps pees in the pool too. But finally, games like sharks and menos and Star had added significance as walking from station to station was out of the question. This was survival of the fittest. A true test of will.
At 11, you were challenged to do your first front flip into the water. After a couple of reddening back flops, you landed the 3rd front flip. The lifeguard whistled at you and ordered you to stop. Why, you thought, didn't she ask when you had your back maimed by the unforgiving water the two previous times? It didn't really matter, because now you were one of the misbehaving guys, and only the misbehaving guys got sat out right beside the obscenely hot, 17 year old lifeguard.
At 14, the day had finally come. You no longer needed parental supervision to get into the pool. Score! Not only that, but you were consistently the oldest person at the pool, and consequently your alpha dog status was unquestioned. You and your friends were on top of the world. You won every game, you did flips into the water, and the other guys even dove in. Adult swim? Yea, we're old enough for that now. How do you feel about that lifeguard? As your age got closer to that of the lifeguard, obeying their rules seemed more and more useless.
Finally, the last milestone. You're about to be a senior in high school, and you've never learned to dive. Multiple attempts to do so have only resulted in ridicule and embarrassment. At a small pool, with 2 people watching, you try again. Over and over and over you try; but you consistently bail out. Finally, the execution is complete. You rise out of the water triumphant, only to realize your bathing suit is at the bottom of the pool. Diving wins again, it always does.
Have fun at your pool this summer, and hopefully this doesn't happen to your pool this summer.
It's Memorial Day Weekend, the unofficial start of summer. Kids are out of school and neighborhood pools across suburbia will open up today. Lifeguards have been trained-- sort of--sunscreen purchased and tanning beds abandoned as the D-Day for Homeowner's Associations has finally arrived. I remember how important this day was because I remember being out of school meant spending all day at the pool. There were several rites of passage that each coming pool season represented.
At the age of 5, you're ready for the deep end. 6 full feet of water to immerse yourself in meant a safe haven from babies in their floaties. It also meant a great barrier existed between you and the urine soaked waters of the shallow end. Finally, you didn't have to swim amongst that festering disease. Secretly, you still peed in the pool. Don't feel too bad, Michael Phelps pees in the pool too. But finally, games like sharks and menos and Star had added significance as walking from station to station was out of the question. This was survival of the fittest. A true test of will.
At 11, you were challenged to do your first front flip into the water. After a couple of reddening back flops, you landed the 3rd front flip. The lifeguard whistled at you and ordered you to stop. Why, you thought, didn't she ask when you had your back maimed by the unforgiving water the two previous times? It didn't really matter, because now you were one of the misbehaving guys, and only the misbehaving guys got sat out right beside the obscenely hot, 17 year old lifeguard.
At 14, the day had finally come. You no longer needed parental supervision to get into the pool. Score! Not only that, but you were consistently the oldest person at the pool, and consequently your alpha dog status was unquestioned. You and your friends were on top of the world. You won every game, you did flips into the water, and the other guys even dove in. Adult swim? Yea, we're old enough for that now. How do you feel about that lifeguard? As your age got closer to that of the lifeguard, obeying their rules seemed more and more useless.
Finally, the last milestone. You're about to be a senior in high school, and you've never learned to dive. Multiple attempts to do so have only resulted in ridicule and embarrassment. At a small pool, with 2 people watching, you try again. Over and over and over you try; but you consistently bail out. Finally, the execution is complete. You rise out of the water triumphant, only to realize your bathing suit is at the bottom of the pool. Diving wins again, it always does.
Have fun at your pool this summer, and hopefully this doesn't happen to your pool this summer.
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