Another Season...

Russian, I think

Every year, I have to come up with new ways to make weddings--more accurately the build up to the wedding--interesting. My first season, at the ripe age of 20, I felt it necessary to be as pompous as possible to all my relatives. As funny as I thought this was, it did not end well with my various aunts, uncles, and cousins. All that bravado and false sense of pride didn't work on them. They remembered me being the awkward 12 year old at Christmas. Suffice it to say, the first year was a failure.

The next two years were all about people watching. The perks of being a wallflower include knowing everything about both families and understanding how much the families love or hate their new family member. In this stage I learned a lot about people, and how much families enjoy talking about their black sheep when they get together.

Starting last year, I decided to be that guy. You know when that joke was really funny, yet simple. Everyone got a kick out of it.

Joe Everyman: "Easy on that fruit punch Harold, you don't want to be that guy." Hyuck, hyuck.

Harold Random: "Hey man, I live to be that guy!" (cue the uproarious laughter)

Aside from that exchange you heard around 34215 times in 2005, I still wanted to be this mythical guy. Frankly, I wanted to be Vince Vaughn's character from Wedding Crashers. I'm still not sure what I'm going to go for this season. I'll have to decide soon, since opening day is tomorrow.

But anyway, back to the people watching. After years of observation and exercises in the anthropology of white middle class men and women, I decided grouping people was the best use of my escapades. Without further ado, these are the various groups that make up weddings (plus or minus depending on the prevalence of booze at the reception)

The AngrywhyamIhereIhaventseenthispersonin10years group: Pretty straight forward right? These folks are either distant relatives, friends of the brides mother, or childhood friends that have decided to read nothing but Kurt Vonnegut, and listen to nothing but the Talking Heads. Not saying there's anything wrong with that, but it really narrows the scope of conversations.

The DUDEITSBEENTOOLONG group: You know these people well. They typically head straight for the sauce at the reception and then begin to make their rounds. They're masters at the hand shake-straight into the man embrace and speak entirely too loud, directly in your ear. These people are usually the fringe college aged friends that had to be invited because of some shared experience with either the bride or groom.

The wearefamily group: Perhaps the most prominent grouping at any wedding. If you're remotely connected to the wedding party, you've never seen any of these people. They have preferred seating at the reception, and they always have a loud uncle that invariably has too much to drink and passes out before the garter gets tossed. Outside of him, they're a pretty mundane group content with discussing the 5 year plan of the new couple.

The letspickupchicks group: Could be the groomsmen, could be an old boyfriend of the bride that she just had to invite to rub it in. Regardless, this group comes to weddings for one reason: women. If they deem the environment to be low on potential targets, their language begins to get deteriorate and they start planning their escape before they get through the buffet line.

The Icantbelievetheyhavealcohol group: I'm sure this is heightened due to my close friendships with many Southern Baptists, but these folks really look disheartened at the reception. Wishing prohibition was never repealed, they mope at their tables after feverishly feasting on the fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and macaroni they were so happy about upon arrival. If it's a night wedding, the odds are even that this group calls it quits by 8:30.

The centerofattention group: They dance, they sing, they toast for far too long. You know them, you love to hate them. This guy (or girl) dances with grandma's, tries to dance with the flower girl (come on man, every girl out there has seen Wedding Crashers) and shows anyone that doesn't already know it the most complicated dances the DJ throws out there. These are including, but not limited to the Cupid Shuffle, the Cha Cha Slide, and the Electric Slide.

And lastly...the crying group: Bridesmaids, mothers, and sometimes adolescent girls make up the bulk of this group. Not believing that their friend (or daugther, or son) has finally tied the knot, they simply cannot hold back their tears when giving their toast. They fan their eyes, they ask for time, and they tell you how special she or he is. You can't make any fun of them, because for this one day the cynicism needs to stop.

So there you have it. The groups at all the weddings. Depending on your perception, the MVP can come out of any of these groups. Just remember to tell them, wedding season is a marathon not a sprint.